Zen and the Art of Camry Maintenance

This is what I've written to help my son maintain his Toyota Camry -

You are now the proud owner of a Toyota Camry - built by Japanese technicians who are schooled in the art of Toyota Zen. The word "Camry" has no meaning in English. It was invented by Toyota's marketing department because they liked the way it looked and sounded.

Principles of Toyota Zen -

1. This machine is not a motor car - rather it is a household appliance.

2. You must please it - otherwise it may become suicidal.

3. Like all machines it runs on smoke.

4. You must not let the smoke escape.

Household appliancism

The machine will not need extensive maintenance, but it is programmed to accept a level of respect. Gaijin who ignore this do so at their peril. The machine will not allow itself to be used without the entry ceremony. The entry ceremony consists of pressing the button on the remote twice before entering the machine. Once is not sufficient. Once will let you enter the machine, but will not allow it to be started. No amount of bad language will change this simple fact. The machine demands respect*.

Upon leaving the machine press the button on the remote once. This will lock the machine and prevent disrespectful Gaijin from entering it. Do not use the key to open the boot. In most situations, the machine regards this as disrespectful and the alarm will sound which annoys your neighbours. Use the lever beside the driver's seat to open the boot.

Pleasing the Machine

Always put the machine in "Park" and engage the handbrake when you leave the machine to its own devices. This is especially important on sloping ground. Never rely only on the handbrake to secure the machine. Should the machine become depressed, it may roll away and destroy itself on a solid object - or worse still, some Gaijin's valued solid object. Conversely, always disengage the handbrake before driving off. Neglecting to do this will allow the smoke to escape.

Running on smoke

The smoke can be contained in the following manner. Observe the temperature gauge from time to time and learn its habits. Generally it should remain out of the "Hot" zone. Should it venture into the Red zone, cease to proceed immediately. On the other side of the speedometer from the temperature gauge is the fuel gauge. Confusingly, unlike the temperature gauge, it is better to keep the needle towards the top of the dial to ensure continued procession. This will cost money.

Not letting the smoke escape

This is best achieved by checking vital fluids routinely. In order to do that you will need to find the motor. It is located under the bonnet at the front of the machine. These fluids are the engine oil, (black) the transmission oil, (cherry red) and the coolant level (green). The transmission oil is best checked when the machine is running, but ensure you are not wearing a scarf, or that you have had your hair cut before opening the bonnet. It is also prudent to check the tyre pressures, if only by looking at all four tyres before driving the machine and ensuring that they are round - the recommended shape to ensure successful forward procession.

* Read page 1 - 144 of the Instruction Manual if all else fails.